Vows...

... For Better, or for Worse

In sickness and in Health...

...Even when he is being an Arse...

and I'm being a bigger one.

Bonnie at Life of Bon (one of my daily reads), made a post last week about how she wondered if their marriage was normal, or if they fought more or less than other couples, and so on and so forth.

This is my response.

The reality of my marriage.

Bonnie, you're right! I think that so many women are afraid to discuss the realities of marriage.

Kind of like Moms who don't talk about the realities of motherhood.

I think we're afraid that if we speak honestly, we will be viewed negativly.

As if our truth is a put-down on marriage {or motherhood as the case may be}.

I try hard not to saying things in the office or around casual aquantances like

"oh my husband did..."

Because I don't like to sound like I'm constantly ragging on him - because the fact of the matter is, very often he is wonderful and it isn't fair of me to pick out the few little things that I would nag him to death on.

When I do say something negative or quazi-nagging, chances are there are two or three things I could have said nice about him. But the Nice things aren't what cause arguments or fights and I like Bonnie am usually trying to vet out whether or not others fight over the same things too.

Our history... 

• We didn't fight (like at all) for the first 6 months of our relationship (dating)
• We occasionally bickered months 6 through 12, but very little. Everything was usually rooted in me picking at him because I was exhausted and stressed.
• We were engaged in month  #13 together
• We fought like cats & dogs month 15 through 17.
  {during which time my mother was very ill, I was beyond broke, Mom died and I was scratching and clawing to pull my dismal grades (awful from the Mom sick & needing to travel a lot) up enough to graduate in month 17.}
• Smooth sailing from month 18 to our marriage in month 22 {once I stopped being awful to be around}
• I didn't think we would make it through the first 6 months of marriage
• No major arguments, occasional disagreements through to present day (month {...let me do the math...} 44)

As far as things that we bicker most about in our marriage; money and chores.

When you're married, you learn a lot about your spouse. I am here to tell you that you learn even more about yourself! I have learned that I am excellent at pointing out problems in others {particularly my husband}, and diverting attention to the problems of my own.

Money fights, I love telling him where he spent too much or went over budget.

But it's easy for me to fudge the books (shuffle money from one line item to another) to cover my over spending. Which of course is the same thing that we do for his.

But do I usually lead with "hunny we both went over budget, I adjusted mine, now we need to do yours". Umm... not so much. Gotta work on that.

 Chores. He is much better at doing routine things like dishes and laundry than I am.

To be truthful, I am much better at cooking regularly than he is (though he is an excellent cook when he chooses to!).  Just the other day I was complaining about his dish washing...

but then this morning, I was adjusting the dryer to fluff my sweater.

As I was staring at the dial trying to figure out what setting to use it dawned on me that I don't know what setting to use because I haven't, not once started the dryer since we got it! {That's 5 months folks!}

Shame on me.

The realities of my marriage are probably very similar to those of everyone else in similar situations!

It isn't this cliche nag-fest of hatred and resentment that we so often see in the media.

John isn't a helpless, hopeless fool as many husbands are made out to be.

He isn't a saint - but that's cool because neither am I!

So what do you fight about most in your marriage?

Do you think the realities of marriage are hidden from the unmarried?