Thursday, January 8, 2015

Coming out of the Funk

I've been feeling very... funky. Emotionally I've been in a "funk" for several weeks. Physically, both Cora and I have been feeling sick with a cold neither of us can seem to kick (that we're sharing with the whole family now) since December 30, so going on day 9 of feeling puney. 

Emotionally, my funk really started about week 5 of the pregnancy and was in full swing by week 6. I didn't recognize it for what it was until the week of Christmas. I was depressed. 

Christmas week (11 weeks pregnant) I finally recognized and admitted to John that I was suffering from Pregnancy Depression. Part of my hesitance in admitting what was going on was that I didn't know it existed! I'd never heard of someone who hadn't ever struggled with the blues before having trouble with depression in pregnancy. Some quick research online quickly revealed that this wasn't uncommon, after all think about all those hormones I have raging through my body. It also greatly helped me handle my realization emotionally that a couple of the other Mommas in my Facebook due date group opened up and admitted that they were struggling with similar things (they too had never struggled with depression before).

Some of the things I was feeling; the inability to function. The idea of getting dressed & functioning for the day was entirely overwhelming. I'd get up, relocate to the couch or a recliner and aside from trips to the bathroom or kitchen that was where my day was spent. We had Christmas quickly approaching, my brothers wedding was just after Christmas. I had so much to do and emotionally I just couldn't face it. Just thinking about all that I needed to do would be enough to get my blood pressure up and my heart racing. None of the tasks were overwhelming, I just needed to function.
I had no desire to eat. Pregnancy had made food generally revolting anyway, but I just didn't have a desire to eat. (I will mention that I'm attributing this to the blues, but I've also read/heard that it's just my body responding to pregnancy.)
Week 5 and 6 I was very disgruntled, quick to snap and react to things. The following weeks I still had a temper for sure, but generally everything just fell in with the rest of my emotional doldrums. I wasn't excited about anything. I was dreading Christmas and the wedding because I knew that I'd have to see people (and function on something resembling a normal level). It wasn't just events I was dreading, I wasn't excited about the pregnancy. I was truely just blue about everything. Intellectually I knew I was looking forward to these events, eternally grateful for the pregnancy with my child and for the baby God has already blessed us with but emotionally I just wasn't getting on board. (Oh and I should mention that during this time we also had to put our dog Clyde down and that didn't help anything).

At night I'd cry and beg God to "fix my emotions", I would drag myself out in the sun for quick walks on decent weather days. I'd take a shower when I felt like doing anything but that. I also used some essential oils that had been helpful lifting my emotions on bad days before. These things would help but none of them were a cure-all.

After recognizing what was going on, John and I were back and forth discussing what I should do. There are medical options for help with depression in pregnancy but I really don't like to take drugs in pregnancy (though I would if that's what was needed!). We also did some quick research and discovered that I'd have to wean Cora immediately if we chose for me to medicated. We also knew that risks to the new baby were lessened if I could make it to the second trimester before going on medication. So, we decided to wait. I was emotionally a mess but I wasn't thinking harmful thoughts (no self harm, no harm against Cora, the new baby etc. I was just very, very blue) so we decided the wait was worth it. It honestly helped so much just talking to him about how I felt and what was going on. Our fingers were also crossed (and lots of prayers said!) that this would resolve itself with time, several articles we read indicated that while it could last the entire pregnancy, for many women it was isolated to first trimester. 

John also took a few days to work at home and having him around helped a lot, I didn't struggle as badly with guilt at not giving Cora as much undivided attention as I felt I should when she was getting some from him too. (On another note, I am so grateful that I have a daughter who is very good at self-entertaining! She's quite content playing by herself and generally isn't interested in having you play with her. She brings us the toys when she wants attention and we always make the time to play when she asks. I'm sure this skill will be even more valuable to us when the new baby gets here!) 

This past week, ironically while I've been physically sick, my emotional state has gotten so much better! I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, or like I'm walking out of a deep blanket of fog. There were a rough couple of days, unfortunately including my birthday, when I was just super sick with the cold that I spent the entire day sleeping. To be honest the only reason that the baby updates have been being published on the blog is because they were already written and scheduled for weeks. I didn't finish prepping my birthday post, or New Years posts, either of which would have technically announced the pregnancy. Eh, I'll get around to it later. :)

I know I'm not technically out of the woods yet, just because I feel okay now doesn't mean it's over. John and I are both closely monitoring my emotional state as will my Midwife. I look back at my brothers wedding and feel pride and excitement at it now. I'm excited about this baby, and would endure many more blue days knowing that he or she will be worth it if that is the cost! In a lot of ways, I'm writing this so that if one other pregnant person is out there feeling this way - know you're not alone! I so wish I had realized what was going on sooner! Don't be afraid to admit to someone what's going on and get help if that is what you need!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Feel free to leave your comments!! I am so glad you stopped by!
Please be sure your Blogger profile is linked to your e-mail. If not, leave your e-mail address in your comment so I can reply!!